That crazy treadmill of achievement...

Today I 'rode' my mountain bike for the first time in about three years.  At the start of the final training season, when I try to qualify for Rio, this might seem odd.  But I just needed to …

Me on my favourite bike

Three years ago my main reason for taking up kayaking was to make me smile again; to fill a void left by not being able to race my bike anymore. 

 Me learning to paddle - 2012 Photo by Phil Gunney 

 At the beginning my goal was simply not to fall in, then it became to make the GB squad, and now without realising it's happened my horizon is vastly different. Somewhere along this path it’s become all about achievement. I've ended up wanting to paddle as fast as possible, to win international medals, and to be selected to paddle at Rio. My whole life is about kayaking. It governs every day, where I am, what I eat, how I sleep, even what I can and can’t do in my spare time.  Most of the time I’m perfectly happy with this – I like the focus of achieving goals – but a few things happened this last week that questioned if this performance driven focus is completely healthy. 

Me qualifying a boat for Rio 2015
photo from bbc sport

About a week ago I had my 2015 season review with the GB coaches and performance directors. All of my data was reviewed, and each and every “check and challenge” question was focused on performance gains. No detail was too small, no area left out, and I left the meeting feeling completely exhausted but positive and focused about 2016.

Then a couple of days later I had an unofficial 'performance meeting' (aka a catch up over coffee) with good friends from my kayak club. They are the volunteer coaches who had taken me under their wing and got me into the GB squad in the first place and who have stuck by me since. This 'meeting' could not have been more different.  No data, no lists of questions, just a sofa and a cup of coffee (oh, and their adorable 4 week old baby cuddled up on my chest).  We went through my goals and my take on the last season and they got me to realise that at the end of this next season I want to be able to look back on four years of my life and genuinely smile - that I need to remember who I am, and to keep everything in perspective.  Will this final year be filled with good memories, happy and full, or will the whole four years be solely remembered on my performance at one final event? 

2015 -Loosing my world title Gold medal by 200ths of a second :-(

That got me thinking and we decided I would reflect at the end of every week on what had made me smile. If I hadn't smiled and enjoyed myself, I would change things for the better next week. This would ensure that, come the end of 2016, whatever the outcome there could be no regrets. I would stick to the training plan, but I would also try to see life beyond this. I like to think this is how I normally try to live my life; creating amazing, positive, happy memories, but maybe last year, caught up in in the tunnel vision of performance, I was either too tired or too distracted to have this perspective.

And then yesterday I was reminded how important perspective is…

Yesterday Jenn Hill died aged only 38 (link) Jenn Hill was an incredible woman who influenced and inspired many, many people in the mountain biking world. I don't think I ever saw her without that trademark smile on her face. In fact I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t have considered 24 hour racing if I hadn't seen her nailing it while smiling for the entire duration of a 24 hour race, (with only 1 gear on her bike!) making me think it could be fun (and not too painful?!?).  So it was Jenn and her smile that started this whole crazy adventure for me… 

Her husband put this message on twitter yesterday and it struck me how great memories can be made up from the simple things, and that my adventure is not just about Rio or medals.

"Thank you for the kind messages and love for Jenn. Now go ride bikes, hug loved ones, bake, enjoy life xxx"

So today I did what Tom suggested.  I dusted off my bike in memory of Jenn.  It wasn't a long ride and I was really wobbly and spectacularly poor on the technical sections, but I smiled the entire time. I also realised that it didn't bother me that I can’t and won’t be able to ride like I used to, but that doesn’t stop me enjoying being on a bike. 

This simple Twitter message reminded me that life isn't all about the crazy treadmill of achievement we can so easily find ourselves on, its about doing the things that make us smile; like riding bikes with your loved ones in the Autumn sunshine followed by tea and cake ... just because you like doing it. 

Post ride 'buzz' with tea and cake :-)

Thank you to Tom and to Jenn for inspiring me and for reminding me what’s really important. 

National Championships 2015

This weekend I had one job to do. I needed to qualify for the World Championships (which are the first qualifiers for the Rio Paralympics) at the UK National Championships in Nottingham.

National Regatta

I have never liked racing at Nottingham. I'm just not keen on the venue. It’s always very windy, making the water wavy, and its usually full of weed, algae, or lots of mess from the ducks and geese. Added to that, the need to race my own teammates for that single selection slot has never sat well with me.  As a result I rarely paddle that well - I usually scrape a good enough race to get through, but I never come away really happy with my performance.


This weekend I didn't have the same stress factor. This time GB paracanoeing was going to take two athletes per category through to the Worlds, so realistically the pressure of my race was off. I decided to use this as a test, and see if a change of pre race routine would help with my preparation and general feelings about at Nottingham leading to a better performance. 

So when the offer to go to Henley Regatta came along the week prior to Nottingham I accepted and spent a wonderful day chatting with some amazing people while watching the rowing at this most English of events. They explained the nuances of racing at Henley, including that it's bad manners to win by too much!! (That would never catch on in kayaking!) I was gutted to pass on the free flowing champagne and Pimms, but kicking back needed to have some limits… 

Henley Royal Regatta- with knees covered;-)

I also accepted an invitation to have dinner with my lovely girlfriends, who I don't see nearly enough of due to my training commitments and perpetual tiredness. An evening of laughter and excellent company (but still managing an early night) was a perfect distraction from thinking about kayaking, race plans and selection.

The final thing I decided to do was to spend the day with my son at a university open day which was on the way to Nottingham the day before the race. For anyone wanting a great day out I can thoroughly recommend borrowing a 'university aged person' and going to a university open day. Your potential student gets you full access to usually private areas of these iconic institutions including colleges, accommodation and lecture theatres.  Sitting in a lecture theatre in the department of engineering was a definite highlight, although not being an engineer I was much more fascinated by the lecturers large. black. independently sprung eyebrows than the subject matter...

I ended up having a great week and arrived at Nottingham thoroughly distracted and far less "pumped up" than normal.


So race day arrived and I started my normal routine. Something felt a bit strange. I had calmed myself down so successfully that I found myself on the start line feeling ridiculously chilled and not at all concerned about the goings on around me.  Was this a good thing? Nottingham could have been just as bad as normal but nothing about my environment registered. The only thing I was particularly aware of was the strong headwind.  Even the starter seemed to say "go" in slow motion, causing me to respond badly to the bucket start followed by what felt like a gentle amble down the course. I got to the finish line and was stunned to realise I was barely out of breath. Yes, I won that race; not by that much, but strangely it didn't seem to matter? At Henley winning by too much was seen as bad sportsmanship -was I just being a good sportsman? No I wasn't!! I had done such a good job of calming myself down that I just wasn't in the correct frame of mind for racing. 

Steady racing

 This made me cross but how was I going to get motivated?  I had still won, even if I hadn’t raced well…


"You need a different frame", Simon said, repeating the mantra one of the coaching staff had told me several times before when things get to me. "It's not just you that you are letting down its everybody - now snap out of it and put some effort in". 
I did. I scrapped the chilled approach, fired myself up for my second race and took three seconds off my time. Oh, and I was out of breath but also enjoyed the race. 

Off to the worlds.....

My next race will be the World Championships in August – another step on this oh so steep learning curve.


Lesson to self - Too chilled doesn't work any better than too nervous and put some effort in ;-)

Giving back and being James Bond

“Do I look like James Bond?”

I came here to give something back, but once again I was getting more than I was giving, and having loads of fun at the same time…

As a UK Sport and National Lottery funded Athlete I am required to do a several 'inspire' voluntary appearances. each year. One of these was a talk I had been asked to do at Whitehall, which sort of explains why I was on their roof pretending to be 007… but I'll get back to that later.

On the roof at whitehall

Being an “elite” athlete can be selfish, introspective and very "me me me" "take take take", so I really look forward to volunteering.  For me it’s a chance to redress the balance in my life, not only by giving back but also by widening my experiences and meeting inspiring people.  I've had the opportunity to do some really great things, some truly bonkers things, and some incredibly humbling things, and without a doubt they have all, without exception made me smile a lot. Here’s just a few…

My latest was just last weekend where I was a VIP guest at the Proctor and Gamble Surrey Youth Games. Surrey County Council runs this event to help get kids into sport. It is aimed at all those children who are not County level but who want to take part in a competitive and yet fun arena. Apparently over 50,000 children have taken part over the years since the event was started, and it was absolutely fantastic to see children running about and having fun enjoying competitive sport.

Proctor and Gamble Surrey youth Games

 I met some amazingly inspiring people and sponsors who make this happen, not only believing in the benefits of an active community, these people are actually doing something about it.

 

Having fun at the games with the inspiring sponsors and organisers. 

Another recent appearance was at a request from my local council gym, who asked if I could be there for the official opening of the “refurbished changing village and bubble pool”.  I was even asked if I would get in the pool with the leisure centre management for press photos, which I politely declined, instead taking the time to meet as many people as I could.  I really enjoyed meeting all the kids on a busy Saturday afternoon and they all wanted to chat and hold my world championship gold medal.  I forget sometimes that, despite still being 'just me', wearing a GB tracksuit and hanging a gold medal around my neck I become someone who can influence, motivate and maybe have a little impact. It took a little while to clean off the tomato sauce and sticky finger marks from my medals after a 'meet and greet' in the centre café, but I was given a large helium balloon to take home (yay!) and there had been lots of smiling kids keen to tell me about how much they loved their swimming, so it was worth it.

everyone like wearing a gold medal!!

Possibly the most deferential was a Regatta for the Disabled where an incredible group of people organise bell-boat racing for children of all ages with varying abilities/disabilities. It was awe inspiring seeing kids struggle with independent mobility on dry land but then transform into confident paddlers working as a team to propel the boats down the course. It was simply magnificent to watch and I felt honoured to actually be asked to paddle in the boats with some of the children. We had so much fun together and, if I'm truthful, the medal I received for taking part at this regatta gave me as much, if not more pleasure than my world Championship gold medal. They now hang side by side in pride of place at home.

 

Me padding a bell boat and handing out prizes

So on to Whitehall… I was asked to talk at a small conference on personal resilience. I was unsure what I could add of value, but the organiser had heard me speak at another function, and wanted me to talk about how I managed to overcome some pretty big hurdles and achieve what many people might have considered impossible. I hoped that my personal story of failures followed by success, and some lessons I had learnt along the way, might help this office audience see that their own 'something' is also possible if they can see how to put their minds to it. The talk was to be at the Department of Energy and Climate Change and in my ignorance I thought Whitehall was a building, not a road, so felt a bit of an idiot asking a policeman how to find it when I was actually walking along it!!

After my talk, which thankfully was enthusiastically received with lots of excellent questions, I was given the tour of the department and up onto the private roof where a scene from Skyfall had been filmed. They…(I ) wanted to get to stand in the same place and at the same angle that Daniel Craig had posed in, looking over the London skyline. Clearly the only difference between us was that he was dressed as 007 and I was in my red GB canoeing jacket… ;-) This was definitely a money-can't-buy moment.  I wasn't given a helium balloon this time but I floated home nonetheless.

Me and Daniel Craig both trying to be 007

So what’s next? I am about a month away from this year’s Worlds, and if all goes to plan, a little over a year to Rio (gulp). My training is hard, with constant pressure on me to perform to the highest level possible. But what I really enjoy is the part of my role as an elite athlete which allows me to give back. I look forward to these events and only wish I had time to do more…

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” .~Marianne Williamson (teacher and author)

Smile Laugh Sparkle :-)

As I walked around Prague the day after I had finished racing at the Europeans, attempting to be a tourist, I felt in a bit of a daze.  Normally I'm buzzing with excitement after a race, but today I was full of a strange mix of emotions which I couldn't make sense of. 

On the face of it I should have been elated. I had been classified into the new system as a “KL3”. I had gone on to win the gold medal in the first ever KL3 race. So all was good, and yet I couldn't help but feel empty.

Gold!

Going through the classification process had made me really sad, and also annoyed. Sad that I had been forced to look back and think about my injury, re-opening the mental scars which I've worked so hard to heal. Sad also, bizarrely, that despite training so hard and getting much stronger I still have a significantly weaker leg, which classifies me. (Why does this make me sad ?!?!?) And annoyed that Para Sport at the top end isn't inclusive at all. It upset me so much seeing disabled athletes being scrutinized and challenged for simply falling outside of a classification boundary. I was also struggling with the concept that Para Sport is contradictory. It's confusing that you have to be bad and good at the same time. You have to have something wrong with you - and not just any “something”, you have to have the correct type of 'something wrong' to make it into a "level playing field".  Having ticked those boxes you then try to be as good as you can be by minimizing the impact of your disability, with clever, personalized training and specific boat adaptations.

GB para-canoeing is fortunate enough through National Lottery funding to be able support and invest in us, but what about all those paddlers who don't have funded programs? How is this now a level playing field..?

The thoughts in my head just kept on coming...  Was all this heartache really worth it? Half of me wanted to just stop and go back to a normal life. To have normal holidays and spend more time with my family and friends....

I had shared some of this angst with our team phsych earlier that week and he had talked me through how you can choose to frame things. "Things happen to us which are out of our control, but it's our choice as to how we feel about them. If we don't like how something looks or feels we have the ability to choose different ways to frame them". Great in theory, but I was still struggling.

focusing during my race

As I wandered the streets missing half of the tourist attractions, I tried to make sense of these random and contradictory thoughts.  I was thinking so hard that I barely noticed that it had started to rain – and in fact rain quite hard.

Just in front of me a little girl aged about 4 squealed in delight as the rain drops started to fall. She pulled a small plastic umbrella out of her dad’s bag and put it up. She then skipped and splashed in the newly formed puddles as she laughed her way down the road. Her umbrella was very pink and glittery, and on it were the words "smile, laugh, sparkle".  Looking around I observed that she was definitely the only person following this advice. There was definitely a lack of tourists skipping through the puddles! Most of them, like me, were sheltering in doorways trying to keep dry.

I then smiled. It occurred to me that this umbrella was surprisingly profound. Smile – laugh –sparkle was a new frame. The rain was the same for everyone and everyone except this little girl was getting annoyed by it. How could I frame the last couple of days differently? Could I put up my own metaphorical umbrella?? 

So instead of sadness I decided I would see things more positively. 

I worked out that I was actually relieved that I still have a weak leg and that I'm still able to classify and be part of the GB squad. I am loving this journey and the adventure it brings, and I am not having to face up to an abrupt end to that journey through not classifying. I am perfectly aware that I might still not make Rio, but that will be decided by training and by racing, not by a rule change. 

GB paracanoe Race HQ

I could replace annoyance with pride. I am immensely proud to be part of the GB squad which has worked tirelessly to support us so well. Actually pride that despite all these distractions and emotions I had pulled myself back into race mode, followed my race plan and this process had won Gold for GB. 

I should stop being critical about para-sport at the elite level being exclusive and contradictory. It showcases the elite and that's how it can inspire. In fact this is what provides me with focus and what drives me to train every day: The hope that performing on a world stage will inspire others, (abled or disabled) to believe they can do something despite all logic saying it's impossible.

Because this is at the core of what para-sport is all about. People pushing the limits of possibility, moving on from whatever tragic event changed their lives forever and having a go at something new. Being innovative in finding solutions that play to personal strengths despite a risk that it might fail. Eternal optimism that repeated failure won't stop them in their quest to be the very best that they can be. 

So on that rainy afternoon in Prague I built a new frame. I decided to remind myself to smile, laugh and sparkle at every opportunity and to metaphorically skip through the puddles rather than grumble at the rain. 

My awesome coach Griff and his athletes.

Classification changes in Paracanoe

This is not a happy or even a particularly positive blog. The world of para canoe is going through change less than 18 months from Rio. Because of these changes a lot of people's hopes and dreams are being shattered.  I understand the logic behind the changes, and in the long run it is in the best interests of the sport, but to choose to do it all now is awful. 

Sometimes when you are caught up in the middle of a change which you are physically and emotionally invested in it is very difficult to see the bigger picture. It is easy for your focus to spiral inwards, taking all rational and logical thought processes with it. This is how I have been feeling about the changes to paracanoe as announced recently by our governing bodies. 

paddling at the worlds 2014

The changes are drastic. Half way through an olympic cycle the original classification adapted from para rowing has been abandoned and reinvented. This means that all the para canoe athletes who were classified at the beginning of this cycle, who were confirmed internationally, who have trained daily for more than two years, and raced believing they are an A, TA or LTA have had their classification removed. We are all having to be reclassified under a new system before we can race internationally again. Worse than that, many athletes who were classified before are no longer even eligible to attend classification. Paracanoe no longer accepts athlete with any arm or hand impairments, nor any athlete with a neurological condition such as cerebral palsy. 
The first paralympic qualification race for Rio is less than 4 months away and at this moment in time there are no classified athletes and no one knows for certain what their new (if at all) classification will be. We are to be reclassified under the new system, which for me will hopefully be at the Europeans in the Czech Republic in May, by the newly trained classifiers. 

My team mates

This decision was made in an office somewhere by people thinking long term, but has affected real people on the ground now. It's not just the athletes who have been affected - our coaches and staff in support programs are all feeling it too. Real people have given up jobs, moved house, neglected personal relationships and invested their own money and time in a system they thought would be in place through to Rio. Yes I understand that elite sport is unpredictable and unforgiving, but most of the time if you don't succeed you can say, "I trained hard and I did my best - I just wasn't fast enough", or "I was injured". But to be thrown out of the running half way through a cycle because your disability doesn't fit the new classification system is terrible. 

When I put my logical head on I truly get why this had to happen for the long term good of the sport. The new classification is evidence based and has been created through good science. An extensive research project analysed all the different paddling styles of kayakers and paracanoeists with motion sensor technology and EMG back up. The data put paddlers into clusters which became the new classifications. KL1, KL2 and KL3.  The system is is now unique to paracanoe, rather than adapted from para rowing, and it focuses much more on what athletes can do functionally in a boat, not by a relatively simplistic assessment of disability diagnosis,  so I can see how it will be much fairer moving forward. But although the old system wasn't perfect it was the system in place for this paralympic cycle and changing it mid cycle is going to hurt lots of people.
On a personal front, it looks like I am ok, but like the rest of the world I find out for sure in May. I then have to have another classification in August to confirm it. But some of my team mates already know they don't fit the new classification system, and I know that people I have raced against and deeply respect will also be having their hopes and dreams shattered.

I crave the feeling of gliding through the water in beautiful places.

I am coping because for me it was never just about Rio. I paddle because I love to paddle, not just to win medals. I love training and despite it being hard and at times painful I never take for granted that it gives me freedom to forget about my wonky leg. The governing bodies giving my disability a new name can't take that away. I crave the feeling of gliding through the water in my boat in beautiful places and I love learning how to paddle at my best. 

The name of my classification might change, but it will never stop my enjoyment of my sport. It would be a shame if for some reason out of my control I could't stay with the program, but the journey to Rio is an adventure, but it doesn't define me.

Paracanoe will definitely be stronger for the changes we are going through. But for now, in April 2015, the year before the Rio paralympics, everyone involved is hurting. My heart goes out to all athletes and support staff involved, because these changes right now simply suck.